Vasectomy day

Ladies, have you ever eaten you food for while it’s covered in plastic?

go ahead and try it. I know you’re not but if you did the taste of your

favorite food wouldn’t pair nicely with Saran wrap. No mouth feel, blunted

taste, it’s just horrible. I assume most of you aren’t hookers and haven’t

given head with condom on so that is the closest comparison I can come up

with. Wearing a condom is like eating your food wrapped in plastic. Having

to put one on when your married is twice as worse. This is the vagina you

are going to have for the rest of your life and you have to put up a barrier

around it so your life isn’t a Monty Pytohn sketch.FUCK THAT SHIT!!! Called

me selfish for wanting to have sex without children but I thought that was

one of the few perks of actually being married to the woman you have kids

with. What’s that your saying reader of this blog? why doesn’t your wife

take care of some of the burden of protection since she is the one who gets

preggers? Glad you asked reader. Apparently the pill made her feel wonky when

she took them which she did before we found each other at Toy r us AND a woman

getting her tubes tied is major surgery while getting a vasectomy is a

relatively quick process. I know this because she mentioned that whenever we

had a discussion about protection. Around the winter of 2002 Noah is seven and

Madigan is two. they are healthy and fairly intelligent so I figure this is

the right time to get fixed. So I make the consultation with the family doctor

and the wife joins me in my visit to the man who is going to give me sexual

freedom. After having my testicles rolled around for the first time by a dude

he proceeds to inform me of the process which I researched myself. I begin to

sign the forms to have the surgery due and since I’m married the wife has to

sign the forms as well and that is when shit goes sideways. She doesn’t want to

sign. The doctor doesn’t want to do the surgery if the spouse has qualms about

it. So that is it. No vasectomy for 2002 Adrian. As we have sex over the next

few years I sometimes dispense with the hated condom and the woman I love

proceeds to inform me that if we get pregnant it’s my fault. Owen is born in

April of 2005. In Feburary of 2007 I am allowed to get a vasectomy. At the time

I was on unemployment and her place of employment downgraded her from full time

to part time which meant her insurance was ending so now was the right time.

While I will never compare getting fixed to having a baby but it is not as pain

free as people make it out to be unless you count getting punched in the balls

by a five year old every hour for four days straight painless. During the months

that we informed people that I got a vasectomy the wife made sure to inform people

that it was all my idea. When it’s all said and done I love the three children I

have but I sure as shit don’t want anymore and sex is much better without a baby

cover.

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Losing A House

From the moment that a stranger knocked on my door that early afternoon in March of 2011 the

lives of my family would never be the same. The nervous look on the face of this stranger and

the camera in his hand put a lump in my stomach the moment our eyes connected. I moved out

into the entirely too cold that for shirts I had on but I didn’t want be told what I knew was

coming in front of my family. “I represent the company that has taken over your mortgage. This

is a hard time for all and we would like to make things go a little smoother.” He was the typical

middle aged white guy in gym shoes, a pair of jeans and a light coat that protected him against

the not so cold of weather of March. I honestly expected the guy who was going to throw my

family out of the house that we had lived in for the past eight years to have look like some cold

callous state trooper type with a cheap windbreaker drab olive pants and shiny shoes and the

most severe hair cut in the world to throw/hand me a fold piece of paper telling me I had forty

eight hours to leave the premises. Having never seen people get removed from hearth and home I

assumed it would be like a bad lifetime movie. “ Why hasn’t ASC sent me anything in the mail

or returned my numerous calls. I have been talking with those guys for the past six months trying

to refinance with those assholes and now a company who has taken over my mortgage has come

to ask me nicely to move.” The man shifted in his shoes. Clearly he was still nervous but the

lump in my stomach began to heat up. “Mr. Sibley people are doing a lot damage to their former

homes and we want to make this easy on you and ourselves by offering an monetary incentive

for you to leave the house exactly the way it is.” He handed me a manila envelope. Over the past

year and a half I had seen reports of people who on finding out they were losing their abodes

destroyed the place they raised a family in. Dry wall torn, pipes ripped from the wall, flooring

smashed, windows broken for some measure of payback over losing a place they loved. I opened

the envelope and glanced at the words that seemed blurry on the paper. After refocusing I saw

that the now owners of my house were not only offering me money to leave the house the way

without kicking the walls in but they wanted me to clean up the place including the garage on

their time frame. The sooner we left the more money my wife and I would receive. That was

when the lump flamed into a white hot coal and I entertained the idea of kicking the messenger

into a coma. He had begun to take pictures of my house as he talk to me. I began to get the

feeling that his nervousness had been a bs ruse and that he had done dozens of times before. I

could hear my wife call to my oldest son for something and the lump that was burning like a

miniature sun disentigrated. This was going to be another blow to my already fragile marriage.

Almost two years to the month I lost my house I was laid off along with 500 hundred union

members and supervisors. My unemployment checks had stopped coming a month prior. I was

amazed at how instantly people change when you are no longer working and on unemployment.

Being evicted from a house would only make this marriage weaker and a couple could only

become so weak before they were no longer a couple. The fake nice man was stilling talking to

me about something but I had ignored him for the last thirty seconds. Instead of beating him like

a dog who bite me I wipe him from my mind and walked back into my house to face my wife.

She sat on the couch and looked at me. She had to know it was bad news. “ASC sold our

mortgage to a company that propbably is going to flip our house. They are going to pay us not to

destroy this place but we have to be out in three weeks.” Her mouth literally fell open as she

slowly rose from her feet and walked over to. I wasn’t sure if she was going to try and slap me

(because clearly this was all my fault) so I moved the envelope that was at my side to the space

between us. She took the papers from me and scrutinized them much more then I had. Instead of

asking me questions like how did this happen? Or what are we going to do? The only question

she asked was “Do you think we can move out in three weeks? I told her what I thought “There

is no way in hell we can pull that off. Besides not having enough money we haven’t even started

looking for a house. Six weeks maybe.” She never looked up at me while she talked to me. “You

can tell the kids.” She said as she walked away from. The only reply I could muster was “of

course.”

Our children didn’t take this as badly as we had expected. Children were more resilant and easy

to change then their adult counterparts. We would borrowed money from relatives. Family and

friends would help us move. We would rent a house in the same city to make the transitions

easier for our kids. I would eventually look upon losing a house as an learning experience but

realized that my wife would see me in a different light and nothing would be the same.

Clear eyes to see

A major source of our conflicts is that humans don’t understand themselves let alone

other people. It’s irritating when I hear people say things about former lovers or spouses

like “You’ve changed” or “Your not the person I knew five years ago.” When in reality

you didn’t have the wherewithal to see this person because you saw them in “your eyes” when

you should have been looking at them with “clear eyes”. No one decides to start cheating

out of the blue. It was always part of that person and you didn’t see it because you played

a slight of hand trick on your own mind. Now you’re attached to a violent alpha male who

may kill you and your kids or you’re tied for the rest of your life to a viper of a woman

who cheated on you numerous times and the paternity of the kids you love are suspect.

We teach our kids to read and write but parents very rarely teach their kids to see the

truth and people for what they are. As an adult you know full well that so much of what

you knew as a child was a half truth or an outright lie but you teach your children,

the humans that you are most responsible for in the world, the same horrible lies that could

very well mentally and psychologically cripple them as adults. Am I suggesting that

you tell a five year old cold hard facts about rape murder and pain? Of course not

but ask yourself how many things you wish your parents or some adult in your life had

told you in your youth that would have made your life a little easier.

Tell your girls to error on the side of caution and not trust any man outside of

her dad and brothers. Before your son decides to be a patriot and join the armed forces

take him to see soldiers that have become wounded on the inside and out because of

conflicts that have very little to do with protecting the country. Makes sure that

before they vote for anyone they know who is really behind that candidate and is

their agenda for the betterment of most of us. Train them to notice the inflection

in a person’s voice so that they can understand what they said and what they really

mean. Make sure they don’t take anything to serious. Train them to enjoy what they

have.

Getting married over the phone may not be such a bad Idea!

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Since my wife and I have been together I’ve been dragged to at about seven weddings and receptions

which comes out to about three every two years. First of all I would like to say marriage is a worthy

endeavor especially if you’re not too much of an asshole and plan on having kids. I’ve never had

a problem with the wedding although it is really more of a woman’s forte. I don’t think the average

man would give a damn if he got married over the phone. Weddings are over with in relatively short

time an hour and a half tops and those are the Catholic one. Everything goes down here from the

moment you leave the church.

I would like to know how come no can pick a reception that is less then forty milesfrom the

wedding.Your god forbid that you are not familiar with the city this shindig is going down.

that’s another thirty minutes you’ll never get back. I’ve been to one reception that actually

took place in a reception hall. VFW’s are the norm in this area of America. You find the table

you and plus one will be sitting and of course your sitting by God’s parents who have

nothing better to do except talk to you about the most inane crap on the planet “how ’bout

them Bears? “How do you know the happy couple” “Great day for a wedding huh?” “You

wouldn’t have an extra Depends on you? I plan on drinking and I piss like a racehorse

when I do”. Great now I have to deal with Barnaby Jones and his hag until the old folk’s

bus comes for them.

 

 

“Drink drink drink” is what goes thru my mind. If there was ever a need to use alcohol as a

crutch to get past something this is definitely it. Open bar? cool! Watered down drink? Not

cool. I have never gotten drunk at a reception and believe me I’ve tried. The only people

who seem drunk are the bastards in the wedding party and I wouldn’t want to trade

places with them for all the watermelons in the South. Then they announce the happy

couple…. why? I was just at your wedding and the people who could only make the

reception already know who you are. Are they announcing the happy couple again to

be sure some dumb ass didn’t come to the wrong hall or VFW? A clear indication

you’re at the wrong one is the lack of anyone you know at the reception. 

 

 

Right on time are the speeches from the people who took part in the wedding that

absolutely love their best friend and his/her new mate. This is the time a wish I was

a mind reader because I know the maid of honor is saying in her mind “Why is she

marrying that ass after I told her I did him twice and he gave me genital warts?”

and the best man is thinking “This stupid bastard picked the craziest woman he

could possible find, I don’t care how good she is in bed his is doomed! Doomed!

DOOMED!!” Here comes the food but you go it by order of importance so if you’re

low on the totem pole you’ll be eating in an hour or so. Mostaccioli , roast beef,

mashed potatoes, and green bean casserole, is that about right? All bland and

tasteless as most food is when produced in bulk. One side note is that I’ve never

been to a wedding with black people getting married. I don’t know what it says

about the black people I know but I get the feeling that a black wedding would

be same bs different food.

 

Worst of all is the horrible music and the tacky line dancing. Why is there music

from the fifties and early sixties on that damn dj’s hit list? I’ve seen white people

dance funny already so even that is no longer holds any interest to me. And to

top it off there was the time one of my wife’s aunt got drunk and horny offered

her “services” in the men’s bathroom. I know what you’re thinking but I

thought I can’t drunk at a reception so no I did not. I’m getting sad and pissed

just thinking about this and the fact that I know I’ll have to go to at least

twenty more in my life time. when I’m the old fart asking “which way is the

bathroom? My piss bag is getting full”

 

Ps. Just kidding about the drunk and horny aunt thing even though I’m

 

sure it’s happened before somewhere