1995

1995

the year I was married

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Snowy Day Thoughts

People would like to think science and or religion has civilized us. Nothing

could be further from the truth. We are as rat brained and fear based a species

as our proto human ancestors. Hope is not our greatest asset and hinderance. Fear

plays a much bigger role in who and what we are. Fear created the gun and the

seat belt. Fear is why you are married and have children. Fear is why some of

have better relationships with their animals then there own kind. Do you think racism

would be as prevalate If men didn’t fear someone of another race taking what he

sees as his. When people hope something will come to pass that is indeed still

fear based. Lately I have tried to see my fears and judge them accordingly. Some

still have merit most don’t. The one thing I have never feared is the truth.

I would like to say laziness has made me hate working but I know deep down that is

not true. I can honestly say that I my brain was never made to work a 9 to 5.

Or 8 to 4 or 3 to 11 or 11 to 7. My mind is firing on all cylinders with creative

thought around midnight and what am I doing then. playing at being a cog. The only

reason I work is for my family. if it wasn’t for that fuck you mr. contributing

member of society. With that being said I respect people who can work a job

thirty to forty years scarcely complaining. I almost want to be like them.

almost.

I FIND IT VERY HARD TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MOST T

Vasectomy day

Ladies, have you ever eaten you food for while it’s covered in plastic?

go ahead and try it. I know you’re not but if you did the taste of your

favorite food wouldn’t pair nicely with Saran wrap. No mouth feel, blunted

taste, it’s just horrible. I assume most of you aren’t hookers and haven’t

given head with condom on so that is the closest comparison I can come up

with. Wearing a condom is like eating your food wrapped in plastic. Having

to put one on when your married is twice as worse. This is the vagina you

are going to have for the rest of your life and you have to put up a barrier

around it so your life isn’t a Monty Pytohn sketch.FUCK THAT SHIT!!! Called

me selfish for wanting to have sex without children but I thought that was

one of the few perks of actually being married to the woman you have kids

with. What’s that your saying reader of this blog? why doesn’t your wife

take care of some of the burden of protection since she is the one who gets

preggers? Glad you asked reader. Apparently the pill made her feel wonky when

she took them which she did before we found each other at Toy r us AND a woman

getting her tubes tied is major surgery while getting a vasectomy is a

relatively quick process. I know this because she mentioned that whenever we

had a discussion about protection. Around the winter of 2002 Noah is seven and

Madigan is two. they are healthy and fairly intelligent so I figure this is

the right time to get fixed. So I make the consultation with the family doctor

and the wife joins me in my visit to the man who is going to give me sexual

freedom. After having my testicles rolled around for the first time by a dude

he proceeds to inform me of the process which I researched myself. I begin to

sign the forms to have the surgery due and since I’m married the wife has to

sign the forms as well and that is when shit goes sideways. She doesn’t want to

sign. The doctor doesn’t want to do the surgery if the spouse has qualms about

it. So that is it. No vasectomy for 2002 Adrian. As we have sex over the next

few years I sometimes dispense with the hated condom and the woman I love

proceeds to inform me that if we get pregnant it’s my fault. Owen is born in

April of 2005. In Feburary of 2007 I am allowed to get a vasectomy. At the time

I was on unemployment and her place of employment downgraded her from full time

to part time which meant her insurance was ending so now was the right time.

While I will never compare getting fixed to having a baby but it is not as pain

free as people make it out to be unless you count getting punched in the balls

by a five year old every hour for four days straight painless. During the months

that we informed people that I got a vasectomy the wife made sure to inform people

that it was all my idea. When it’s all said and done I love the three children I

have but I sure as shit don’t want anymore and sex is much better without a baby

cover.

“That’s why you’re going to hell Adrian!”

Is what my younger brother would announce whenever I did something that was wrong

or I laughed at something that was highly inappropriate. Case in point people being

hurt. old people in particular was fucking hilarious to me. When Richard Widmark

tied up a older woman in a wheelchair and pushed her down a flight of stairs as

she cried and pleaded how she was sick and old was one of the funniest fucking things

I had seen at the time. When my uncle James was struck in the head with a piece of

wood my uncle Larry was using to hold up dry wall on a ceiling in my grandmother’s

house I nearly pissed my pants. My best friend Chris Wright got a bee stuck in his

afro and while he screamed and jumped around like a bitch trying to get it out I

jumped and screamed as well but not from pain and fear. Two of the funniest events

of my childhood revolved around my little brother and his pain. I’m not sure how it

happened but Raymond managed to get a popcorn kernel stuck in his ear. My brother’s

more sensitive scalp couldn’t take the chemicals of an S curl and he began to turn

visibly red. These two incidents seem to make his lower body dance like an indian

chief trying to make rain. I was in tears. Regular events make me chuckle as well.

Every time my my grandmother would straighten my aunt Jeanette’s hair she would

usually burn her on the knap of the neck and as my aunt protested my grandmother

would proceed to smack the hell out of her hand for getting upset about being

burned. HOW FUCKING FUUNY IS THAT! I have only recently be able to stifle my laughter

at others pain due in part to my children. When my then two year old son Owen slid

down a flight of stairs I told him not to go up I almost laughed. I knew he wasn’t hurt by

the wide eyed look of fear on his face. It took me a monumental effort on my part

to not cry out laughing and I think I actually had to grit my teeth to do so. See

I am getting better.

Clear eyes to see

A major source of our conflicts is that humans don’t understand themselves let alone

other people. It’s irritating when I hear people say things about former lovers or spouses

like “You’ve changed” or “Your not the person I knew five years ago.” When in reality

you didn’t have the wherewithal to see this person because you saw them in “your eyes” when

you should have been looking at them with “clear eyes”. No one decides to start cheating

out of the blue. It was always part of that person and you didn’t see it because you played

a slight of hand trick on your own mind. Now you’re attached to a violent alpha male who

may kill you and your kids or you’re tied for the rest of your life to a viper of a woman

who cheated on you numerous times and the paternity of the kids you love are suspect.

We teach our kids to read and write but parents very rarely teach their kids to see the

truth and people for what they are. As an adult you know full well that so much of what

you knew as a child was a half truth or an outright lie but you teach your children,

the humans that you are most responsible for in the world, the same horrible lies that could

very well mentally and psychologically cripple them as adults. Am I suggesting that

you tell a five year old cold hard facts about rape murder and pain? Of course not

but ask yourself how many things you wish your parents or some adult in your life had

told you in your youth that would have made your life a little easier.

Tell your girls to error on the side of caution and not trust any man outside of

her dad and brothers. Before your son decides to be a patriot and join the armed forces

take him to see soldiers that have become wounded on the inside and out because of

conflicts that have very little to do with protecting the country. Makes sure that

before they vote for anyone they know who is really behind that candidate and is

their agenda for the betterment of most of us. Train them to notice the inflection

in a person’s voice so that they can understand what they said and what they really

mean. Make sure they don’t take anything to serious. Train them to enjoy what they

have.