Ed stories

ED AND THE CAR

Before my brother began avoiding legitimate jobs like the plague he actually held a few that

must have been at least decent. The first year that we lived on 16th and Kominsky he got a car.

Unlike most men I am not a big car guy so I can tell you with a degree of uncertainity that I think

the car was a Monte Carlo 83′ to 86′ maybe. The car was pretty fucking nice to be honest. Who

had ever owned it kept it in good condition and the black finish was pretty good too. He gave

us all a ride and my mother stated that she wanted him to take her to the store to get

groceries. Ed agreed and he left. After not seeing him for the next few days my mother became

nervous. The next time we saw him he didn’t have the car anymore. He told my mother that he

drove it in a ditch and just left it there. The story sounded like bullshit because it was bullshit.

What person is going to leave a car in a ditch and just say “Oh well I guess it’s back to public

transportation for me.” when you’ve had the car less than two weeks. My mother could never

get the truth out of him as to what actually happened so we came up with our own theories as to

what transpired. We came up with two possibilities on the mystery of the vanishing car. One

was the person who sold the car to my brother was not actually the owner and either the cops

picked him up or the owner of said car found his rightful property. Two: he went on a drug

binge and sold the car for crack or heroin. I know what some of you are thinking maybe he got

car jacked ? Car jacking is nothing new where I was born and nothing to really be ashamed of if

two niggas roll up on you and put a gun to your face and threaten to blow your head off. Unless

of course you were somewhere you did not belong (crack house).

THE LADY IN THE WINDOW

The mother’s friend lived next to us on the first floor. On the second was a woman who lived

there with her son who I am pretty sure had Down Syndrome. She was plain but had a nice pair

of tits. The two houses must have been very similar because the windows on the second floors

matched up perfectly. We normally had a blanket over the window but it must have fallen

down or something because this woman was looking in directly at me. The incident happened

in the morning while I was getting ready for school. I don’t remember not having morning wood

in those days and so I’m pretty sure I had a hard on as she watched me change my clothes to

get ready for school. I hadn’t notice someone was watching me until I had most of my clothes

on. It didn’t bother me much that a older lady was looking at me but I had kind of wished she

had been prettier looking. I told everyone about this of course and my mother seemed to be a

little pissed about. My older brother Ed went over there and fucked her. Weeks later I can

recall him telling me she was crazy and not in a good way. She would fuck him and then try

to kicked his ass seconds later. Oh well better him then me.

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white people problems / black people problems: extreme edition

YES THESE ARE GENERALIZATIONS BASED ON RACE BASED ON MY OBSERVATIONS.

White people problem 1: GETTING LOST IN THE WILD. At least six times a year a white

person (sometimes a group of them) get lost at sea or Yellowstone or a snowy forest

or a sun scorched desert or just taking a nice walk in a wooded area. Some Whites

seem to be either bored or adventurous when it comes to taking a vacation or just

having fun which is why I suspect they wind up with their arms stuck under rocks

for a extended period. I still have a hard time believing they made that into a

movie. This is the black equivalent of a movie starring a guy trying to evade child

support payments. We can’t you just go to the Smithsonian? Get it together Tad!

Black people problem 1: GETTING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE AT THE WRONG PLACE AND TIME.

Look Tyrone I know you want to go out and party with your homies and have a good

time but you need to consider a few things. Do any of your home boys happen to be

in a gang that necessitate them carrying a gun for protection and raise the chance

that you may catch a hot one by mistake? Are you going a place where sometimes

“misunderstandings” happen frequently (like every weekend) namely clubs,

parties, baby showers, funerals, er rooms, movie theaters, shopping malls, and

of course Walmart. Will there be people there known to “jump shit off” on a

regular period. IF YOU SEE TOO MAMY NIGGAS AVOID THESE PLACES.

White people problems 2: THINKING YOU CAN KILL YOUR WIFE OR MATE AND OUT

SMART THE POLICE. Scott Petersen, Drew Petersen, Jason Young, Steve Acuna,

Steven Sherer, Susan Smith, Fred Neulander,Craig Rabinowitz, Michele Williams

Pamela Moss. I know what you are going to say white people “all races kill

you ignorant bastard!” You would be right of course but this isn’t about

killers. This is about white people trying to make a murder look like an

tragic accident (a fall in a dry tub) or reporting your wife missing when you

know good and well the person is in not in Vegas living the good life. Some

whites goes as far as blaming the scary ubiquitous black man who not only car

jacks you and your pregnant wife but manages to shoot her dead while only grazing

your temple? Do yourself a favor Tad and just get a divorce.

Black people problems 2: AVOIDING CHILD SUPPORT / LETTING GRANDMA RAISE YOUR KIDS.

Is there a legitimate reason why so many black men lie down with several women

have more then a few children littered over several area codes and don’t provide

for then financially, emotionally, and a physical presence in the life of their

seeds? FUCK NO. The “white devil is holding me down” speech was old when I was a

kid. There is more financial aid for the average poor person then anyone “middle

class” Getting hooked on crack and letting your old tired mother raise another

generation of blacks is always going to be a hit or miss. Some of these women can

rise to the occasion and some are just overwhelmed. Watching your kids screw up to the

point where you have to look after your grand babies has got to be daunting and

frustrating. That is a job I would not want.

White people problems 3: NOT HAVING THE GOOD SENSE TO KNOW WHEN SOMETHING MAY

BE RACIST OR VERY INSULTING. Everyone on this planet knows that whites control

the majority of what occurs on this planet. You would think that kind of power

and entitlement would make them magnanimous. You would be wrong. America has

been in control of the white race since it was stolen fair and square from the

red man. Yet nearly every week I can find a new joke or slur directed toward one

race or another. You seem to have a callous disregard for the native people

you ran over and the slaves you brought here. Is this the act of a true conqueror?

A part of me knows that this is a response to the average white man feeling

marginalized in this new world. A lot of brown people seem to be gaining in strength

and numbers but that does not equate to wealth and power. Let me tell you something

to ease your unease. You will always be in power in America and most of the world.

You may lose some power to the asians but for the most part you will be in control for the

foreseeable future. You own it all so fucking relax, have a cigar and act like

the conquerors you are and stop it with all the mud people jokes. Be above it

Black people problems 3: PULLING OUT THAT RACE CARD EVERYTIME A WHITE PERSON

SAYS SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT HEAR. Not everything that a asshole white person

does is not based on the fact that your are black. Maybe that shitty white person

is having a especially shitty day. Maybe his wife left him, maybe he found out his

son was gay and he can’t handle it. Maybe this white cashier has been told to check

all bills over twenty dollars and she is not doing it because your black. Not all

white cops are super racist and pulled your over because you have a pretty white

women in the passenger seat. Maybe you were speeding. Maybe your tail light is

out. Maybe little Jamarcus got a f in class because he wasn’t paying attention

and not the obviously racist second grade math teacher. A lot of white people

are not racist. Some just have no fucking clue of how to interact with us. Give

him or her the benefit of the doubt before you jump in that ass. If you find out

that they simply don’t like black people the you have my permission to light

their asses the fuck up.