Vasectomy day

Ladies, have you ever eaten you food for while it’s covered in plastic?

go ahead and try it. I know you’re not but if you did the taste of your

favorite food wouldn’t pair nicely with Saran wrap. No mouth feel, blunted

taste, it’s just horrible. I assume most of you aren’t hookers and haven’t

given head with condom on so that is the closest comparison I can come up

with. Wearing a condom is like eating your food wrapped in plastic. Having

to put one on when your married is twice as worse. This is the vagina you

are going to have for the rest of your life and you have to put up a barrier

around it so your life isn’t a Monty Pytohn sketch.FUCK THAT SHIT!!! Called

me selfish for wanting to have sex without children but I thought that was

one of the few perks of actually being married to the woman you have kids

with. What’s that your saying reader of this blog? why doesn’t your wife

take care of some of the burden of protection since she is the one who gets

preggers? Glad you asked reader. Apparently the pill made her feel wonky when

she took them which she did before we found each other at Toy r us AND a woman

getting her tubes tied is major surgery while getting a vasectomy is a

relatively quick process. I know this because she mentioned that whenever we

had a discussion about protection. Around the winter of 2002 Noah is seven and

Madigan is two. they are healthy and fairly intelligent so I figure this is

the right time to get fixed. So I make the consultation with the family doctor

and the wife joins me in my visit to the man who is going to give me sexual

freedom. After having my testicles rolled around for the first time by a dude

he proceeds to inform me of the process which I researched myself. I begin to

sign the forms to have the surgery due and since I’m married the wife has to

sign the forms as well and that is when shit goes sideways. She doesn’t want to

sign. The doctor doesn’t want to do the surgery if the spouse has qualms about

it. So that is it. No vasectomy for 2002 Adrian. As we have sex over the next

few years I sometimes dispense with the hated condom and the woman I love

proceeds to inform me that if we get pregnant it’s my fault. Owen is born in

April of 2005. In Feburary of 2007 I am allowed to get a vasectomy. At the time

I was on unemployment and her place of employment downgraded her from full time

to part time which meant her insurance was ending so now was the right time.

While I will never compare getting fixed to having a baby but it is not as pain

free as people make it out to be unless you count getting punched in the balls

by a five year old every hour for four days straight painless. During the months

that we informed people that I got a vasectomy the wife made sure to inform people

that it was all my idea. When it’s all said and done I love the three children I

have but I sure as shit don’t want anymore and sex is much better without a baby

cover.

Advertisements

New parents are stupid parents

Stacie and I have done silly shit in our lives but only one time was it due to being young and

dumb parents. I remember me being home alone when she came in with Noah so more then

likely she was at her mother’s in Wilmington or on the eastside of Joliet at her best friend

Maggie’s house. Back in the day Stacie would go down to her parents house at least once a

week sometimes twice a week. She would run over to Maggie’s ever time they had a get

together and sometime just for the hell of it. A lot of time I just balked at going. She knew I was

not a people person and yet she still would get pissed off I refused to go to see her mommy

who never called to see how she was doing and she needed the approval of mommy and

her best friend. Anyway………… she got home and Noah must have been hunger so she popped

him out the tit to feed. I have always been at awe how a child lovingly grabs that breast to feed.

Anyway………. She calls me to the room and says Noah has a problem latching on (sounds like

porn right?). I watch her try to feed him and he lets out a cry of frustration because he can’t

feed. We lay him down on the bed and look in his mouth and there seems to be a rash looking

batch on the roof of his mouth. We both freaked out just a little. Our first born had a fucking

rash on the roof of his mouth. We were bad parents. I called my mother because she was the

nearest thing to a medical professional. I told her about the rash in his mouth and without

really thinking about she said it was oral thrush and she told me it was like fungus in the mouth

of babies. While I was on the phone with my mother Stacie was looking into one of her baby

books. [See kids: back in the day before the internet when people wanted to get information

they would go to a book to find out things.] She found the same thing but with a nasty picture of

a baby with a bunch of yellowish white crap on his tongue. Damnit I was right we were shitty shit

parents. On the way to the hospital I wondered if they could take our kid since he had a weird

growth on his mouth. Long story short when we got in front of the doctor he took a tongue

depressor and removed a piece of fucking wet paper from the roof of his mouth and looked at

us and smiled. Then he turned around and went to show this to the nurses in the hallway to

have a fucking laugh at the expense of the dumb ass new parents. I had a seven hundred dollar

hospital bill for a piece of wet newspaper. I made sure to call my mother to let her know

everything was alright.

Things you should never have to do,deal with,endure

VIEWING YOUR CHILD’S CORPSE:

I’m not talking about a child you know is going to die from some kind

of cancer or weird fucked up syndrome your god was so gracious to gift

your family with. You can prepare your mind (somewhat) for such a

terrible event. I talking about parents who have to identify

their children at a morgue and have to bring fucking dental records

or inform someone what they were wearing or what birth marks they had.

GET A BACK ALLEY ABORTION:

Dirty coat hangers and half drunk medical school drop out who might ask

for a quicky to take a few buck off the price of jabbing rusty tools in

your vagina. I would hate to go back to those times because a few assholes

think it’s wrong because the bible said it was.

WATCH YOUR PARENTS GET ARRESTED:

Every time I see some kid watch his mom or dad get there stupid ass slammed

across a cop car for drugs, domestic violence or whatever stupid ass thing

stupid people do. In this digital age that picture of your mother being charged

with sucking dick in a alley will NEVER go away.

WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH AT A LOVED ONES FUNERAL:

IF THOSE FUCKERS SAID THAT THEY WERE GOING TO SHOW UP AND “PROTEST”

AT A FUNERAL OF SOMEONE I LOVED THEY WOULD BE MOWED DOWN IN A HAIL

OF HOT FUCKING LEAD!!! TRUST ME

LIVING THE LIFE OF A HOMELESS PERSON:

I can honestly say life is shitty for the vast majority of the world. You

add not having a roof over your head and three warm meals a day and living

just isn’t worth the bullshit of being a human. I am sure a lot of homeless

people across the world are hoping for something better around the corner.

I would just eat a bullet, jump off a bridge, or od.

FUCK PEOPLE FOR MONEY:

If it is the world’s oldest profession that means humanity have been doomed

from day one.

NO ORAL SEX:

I love “regular” sex as much as the next man or woman but if you have never had

someone treat your sex organ as if you were the ruler of the entire universe I feel

bad for you kid. You need a true expert in cunnilingus and fellatio to take you to

another of consciousness