when i want to go……. I’ll go!!!!!

Let me get this straight If I have Alzheimer’s on good days I might remember my wife, my children and

everything that made me the person who I am. On bad day I can’t remember the color red but taking

my own life is a sin because some people thousands of years ago decide all life was precious and there

for my suicide was some kind of unforgivable sin. Molesting children is an unforgivable sin, raping

women is an unforgivable. putting ketchup on a good all beef hotdog is an unforgivable sin. Wanting

to end my life before I am a husk of my former shelf is hardly a sin in my world. If I have stomach

cancer and have to have a morphine to keep me from using a sharp knife to cut out the never ending

pain gnawing of my own body slowly killing itself you mean to tell my because you don’t believe in

euthanasia I have to go on living a nightmare of nearly unimaginable torture. Then I have say fuck

you in no uncertain terms. A lot of the things that piss me off are merely pet peeves, this a

psychotic break with reality. Where the hell does anyone get off telling someone else how they

should live their final days if said person is a walking, talking, living all purpose piss and shit

box. If I need a woman or man who barely makes minimum wage to get me out of the bed, walk me to the

bathroom, help me pull my pants down to defecate and make to sure I wipe my crack properly to avoid

streaks I hope I’m cognizant enough to take sleeping pills while slashing my wrist with my head in a

oven. Your telling me that because some primitive post caveman who thought the sun moved around the

earth, dragons were waiting for you at the end of the world and who have faith in the story of a young

girl who claimed she was untouched by man yet pregnant mandated this belief in living with intolerable

pain to the masses so it must be true. I reiterate this again screw you and whatever superstitions you

adhere to. PS, this story of a virgin giving birth to a messiah is a lot older the Jesus people

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nigga’s vs black people

Let me first start off by saying if you make less than one hundred and fifty thousand a year( and I don’t

count doing a ungodly amount of over time) you are what I call a socio economic nigger. Don’t be

ashamed if you are most of the people I know are. It just means in the eyes of conservative republicans

you don’t make enough to be treated like a human and your children are cannon fodder for wars we

have no business being in (sorry that diatribe is for another chapter)

The black people versus nigga debate has been done but this is my owned slanted view. Most black

aren’t going to like me writing this down and letting the world know our major problem in black

America are niggas plain and simple. It is my contention that fifty percent of the black people living in

America today are……….Niggas. When I say nigga I don’t mean poor people. Flavor flav, half the black

sports stars, most of the rap stars you see on Mtv (I said rap not hip hop there is a difference) are for the

most part niggas. A poor black man or woman who will steal food or commit a small crime to get their family

thru another day. a nigga will take what is not his to buy a new pair of Nikes. A nigga will deal drugs to

live the life he sees on tv or listens to on some gangsta rap bull shit. A smart black will deal drugs to

accumulate wealth so that his children and grandchildren never have to dirty their hands. That black

person is leaving a legacy just like a Kennedy. The nigga goes to jail never the be with his family. I grew

poor as hell and I have done “nigga moves” on three or four time occasions tops. When it comes down

you are a nigga if you want to be. In conclusion, Michael Vick a rich nigga who couldn’t leave the ghetto

behind. Oprah Winfrey, well you now her story. Black people GOOD niggas BAD.

While I’m at it screw you OJ Simpson. You kill two white people and don’t have the common sense to stay

out of the lime light. That’s a dumb nigga move if I ever seen one. Did you think they would forget you

killed your white ex wife and her Jewish boyfriend and think it was safe to come out and play again?

Really? Robert Blake had his wife killed and you haven’t seen one hair on his wife killing head. OJ

Simpson = nigga

The good old days?

I love when older black people go on and on about how times were so different and better when they were

growing up, really? They always neglect to mention that if they were caught on the wrong side of the

city (while being black of course) they would have had their asses handed to them by young Irish or

Italian men. That doesn’t seem like a lot of fun to me. An older Italian gentleman who was supervisor at

a grocery store I worked at the time inform me how he and his friends would chase any coloreds out

of his neighbor after sun down (yes he said coloreds). The “good old days” when minorities and women

could only be maids, factory workers or secretaries, those “good old days”? Every social ill that we have

today we had sixty years ago. There were drug addicts sixty years ago, there were prostitutes sixty years

ago, there were republicans sixty years ago. Do you really miss when you could call a spade a spade?

Should we go back to the days were a boss could sexually harass a female worker until she gave into his

demands or quit her job. Racism was very overt sixty years ago should we use separate water fountains

again? I think what people really mean is that when they wore rose colored glasses and things seemed

different. Those glasses were broken in the late sixties (thank your god) and only conservative Christians

are trying to glue them back together. It seems to me that the people with all the power are now po’d

because they only have most of the power. My mother told me stories of how when she was a little girl

growing up in Chicago how black people had their stores to shop in along Madison Ave. She told me she

rarely even went downtown because everything she need was in her neighborhood. That was until blacks

burnt it all down after the King assassination. The good old days are gone because someone older

burned it to the fucking ground.

Me? Paranoid?

The early 90’s is about the time I got into conspiracies. It may have started with the movie JFK and

The Big Book of Conspiracies but it branched into other books and people very quickly. I read

Dope inc a book written by the EIR which is basically part of the Larouche Movement. The book

said that the Queen of England is the head of a worldwide drug dealing organization. It sounds

silly at first until you read your history pertaining to the British and the opium trade in China

then you realize that it may be farfetched but not that farfetched. Behind every great fortune is

a great crime. I also read The Ugly Truth about the ADL. It was kind of lop sided but interesting.

I even bought their paper for a while but eventually they pissed me off with the constant

begging for donations so I stopped . Stacie informed me that my name would be on a

list of political malcontents. My reaction was that of glee at the thought.

I was going down the rabbit hole as far as I could without acting and looking like a kook. Ralph

Epperson who wrote The Unseen Hand did a video series called the Secrets of History in which he

laid out how things really happened as opposed to what history books and governments informed

you of. The video were good but every time he mentioned how the bad guys were secular humanist

and you needed to trust in god and the bible really put a bad taste in my mouth. I was Agnostic

at the time and these tapes were having the opposite effect. It seemed to me that religion was

keeping mankind stupid and unevolved much more then science or a man who thought all of

mankind was his brother and sister regardless of how he worshipped or who she screwed. The

people on top may be pagans or satanists or see science as a new religion but I don’t

think the average atheist or humanist was.

Crossfire by Jim Marrs was great . Wilson Bryan Key wrote a few books on how he believed

subliminal messages were pervasive in advertising sending us images of sex and death in

a wide variety of ads from salad dressing to whiskeys ads in men magazines. Throw that

in with Phillip K Dick and Robert Anton Wilson and you have a guy that has the tendency

to over analyze stuff. Like almost everything in my life I absorb all the information

related to conspiracies and I pick and choose what makes logical sense to me. Was

there a conspiracy involved in the killing of JFK? I would say yes because Oswald

could not have done the shooting. Does the moon have cities full of scientist and powerful

people (alternative 3.) Who gives a fuck?

They most important thing I have gotten from conspiracies is that it’s very important to

read between the lines and gather as many facts as you can before you make up your mind

about an event,a group, or a person. I plan on instilling those freethinking ideas in

my children.

Last day of normal (very short zombie story)

The first time I saw a zombie eating someone my mind almost tricked me into thinking it was something

else. I had seen those people do their “zombie walks” on YouTube and newscasts. I’ve seen a flash mob

at the Millennium Park with my own eyes. I’m not big on dancing or singing in public but for live free

performance art it wasn’t too bad and the wife and kids got a kick out of it. I was at the Barnes and

Nobles by Movies 10 when I thought I was going to see my first zombie walk. Holy shit! I thought to

myself Joliet is moving up. But where the hell were they going to go? Other than movies and books

there was just the jewelry and party shop in this mall. That was slim pickings considering it was a

Tuesday afternoon in early May. There were only about eight or nine of them but what they lacked in

Numbers they made up in realizism. They were more convincing then the pasty white make up and red

lipstick zombies I viewed on channel seven a few months ago. Still in my parked car with the

key in the ignition I could see from two cars away that the gore on the mouth of these “zombies”

dripped from chins to ankles. One of the female “zombies” (an older woman from the looks of it)

held a leash around it’s wrist with what seemed like the remains of a poodle with its stomach and

guts ripped from the body. A part of me smiled because I thought that the first person who wasn’t

paying attention was going to get his or her scare quota for the rest of the year. A rather tall black man

who appeared to be talking to himself (Bluetooth) hurried past them before most of them could get

their “zombie” hands moving in his direction and three hadn’t noticed him at all. This is when things

began to go south in my mind. If this was performance art why didn’t all the living dead rise to the

occasion and put their cold dead hands in the air? I thought the purpose of this little gathering was to

scare the shit out of people. The next person to walk past was an older woman who was small in height

but plumb all around. As she waddled past the zombie dragging the poodle made a gasping/hissing

sound which brought the zombies who had their hands raised to the black man who was far from their

grasp almost snapped to attention. The “zombie” next to poodle lady was naked form the waist down.

This young male “zombie” kept himself in shape. Even with the makeup that made its body look

discolored you could still see the definition in his muscles. The older lady was reaching in her bag to

have a look at the newly purchased book when she tried to walk past muscles and poodle lady

“zombie”. They pulled her to them. Poodle lady bite in her arm with ym zombie sinking his teeth into

the top of her fore head. I could not see the damaged done by poodle lady’s bite because the older

woman had a light jacket over the red blouse she wore. The forehead bite from muscle “zombie” was

very evident. I have banged my head or more than one occasion and I knew a head wound would bleed

very badly. That is when I realized that this was fucking real. In my mind there was a greater chance of a

real zombie outbreak then a bunch of part time actors having the skill to pull off special effects like

this. Obviously the older woman would have had to have blood packs and the face and body drenched

in blood was clearly an indication that this was not her doing. Other zombies began to grabbing

whatever body part of her they could and she was dragged to the ground. I was seeing a woman being

eaten alive and two prevailing thoughts loomed at the forefront of my conscious. That my daughter was

going to be pissed that I don’t pick up that Monster High book she wanted and that I really should get

the fuck out of here. Nothing good is going to come out of zombies eating people at Barnes and Noble.

As I pulled out of my parking spot another loyal customer, a woman, was pulling up. I could see she had

small children in the back seat. As much as I am a every man or family for himself in a crisis I have

never been that much of asshole to let a poor woman and her kids get eaten without so much as a

warning. I pulled back into my parking spot, rolled my window down, and waved to her.

“I know this sounds crazy but a woman has just been killed and eaten in front of the store. I’m pretty

sure it’s real. You should go home.” With that I drove to my house to decide what to do next.

Hooker visit

A friend/ family member (long story short grand dad had another family) had a hot

looking Hispanic hooker or “lady friend” that he had meet previously. She lived in a small

housing project that was on Diversey. Maybe it was not as housing projects but that is what it

looked like to me. When we walked over to her she was talking to a guy who had the

mannerisms of a really gay man. Ty talked to his thirty minute girlfriend and haggled what price

was to be paid for what was to be done to her or him. They went upstairs to further discuss

there “terms” and I decided to have a seat that the hooker had recently removed her round ass

from and wait for the contract to be serviced. the gay decided to engaged me in conversation to

pass the time until his girlfriend was done. I have never been one to turn down a conversation

especially with someone so different from me. We started to shoot the shit on a few topics if I

remember correctly . Everything was fucking peachy until he said something that caught me off

guard.

“You know we can go in the back and I could suck your dick if you want.”

I gesture a lot when I having a conversation I am passionate about or know a lot about (i.e.

comics) so as he finished his statement my hand was in midair and it took my mind a few

seconds to respond to it. I think I mumbled something like “Uh, no thanks I’m good.” to which

he replied “It won’t take that long. We can go right in the back and I will take care of you.”

Three things popped into mind after the latest offer. ONE: I had already said no thanks why

does this fatherfucker have to be so aggressive. TWO: why in the fuck can’t this be a woman. I

would throat choke an old ugly woman if she had casually asked if she could smell my musky

hair up close and personnel as this flamer just proposed. THREE: Was this fag trying to insult me

by saying it would not take that long if I let him suck my dick because I had no control over my dick

or was he saying that he was that good and I wouldn’t last that long? what the fuck! “No no I’m

good I’m just waiting for Tyrone to finish and were’re going home.” As I said that I could hear

the bed he and his hooker were doing the beast with two backs on. I sent very a strong

telepathic messages to Tyrone {hurry the fuck up nigga!} The look Mr. blowjob had on his face

was one of insult. How dare I turn down a blowjob from him ! He looked me up and down and I

could tell he was looking for something on my body to make fun of. For some reason he

decided to focus on my feet which were in sandals that the time. “I bet you have a small dick

anyway what size are those shoes a four? I snickered just a little “these are size twelve’s.”

“More like a five I bet you dick is teeny tiny” I don’t know if I mentioned this before but I can

totally tune a person out while looking straight into the person’s face, it’s a useful gift. By the

time word “tiny” was finish the gay guy might as well have been an adult from a Charlie Brown

cartoon. I shot more daggers of urgency to the hooker fucker to get it moving before the fag

pulls out a knife or something because. If it had come to violence between me and a man who

apparently sucks dicks on a regular basis I was going to run my ass off. In 93′ I was afraid of

anybody bleeding on me let alone the cock mouth in front of me. If my grandmother had bled

on me back then I would have freaked the fuck out. Sweaty faced Tyrone walked out the front

door. I stood up quickly and began to walk slightly ahead of him. I told him what happen while I

he was getting his dick wet. He thought that was the funniest thing of all time.

white people problems / black people problems: extreme edition

YES THESE ARE GENERALIZATIONS BASED ON RACE BASED ON MY OBSERVATIONS.

White people problem 1: GETTING LOST IN THE WILD. At least six times a year a white

person (sometimes a group of them) get lost at sea or Yellowstone or a snowy forest

or a sun scorched desert or just taking a nice walk in a wooded area. Some Whites

seem to be either bored or adventurous when it comes to taking a vacation or just

having fun which is why I suspect they wind up with their arms stuck under rocks

for a extended period. I still have a hard time believing they made that into a

movie. This is the black equivalent of a movie starring a guy trying to evade child

support payments. We can’t you just go to the Smithsonian? Get it together Tad!

Black people problem 1: GETTING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE AT THE WRONG PLACE AND TIME.

Look Tyrone I know you want to go out and party with your homies and have a good

time but you need to consider a few things. Do any of your home boys happen to be

in a gang that necessitate them carrying a gun for protection and raise the chance

that you may catch a hot one by mistake? Are you going a place where sometimes

“misunderstandings” happen frequently (like every weekend) namely clubs,

parties, baby showers, funerals, er rooms, movie theaters, shopping malls, and

of course Walmart. Will there be people there known to “jump shit off” on a

regular period. IF YOU SEE TOO MAMY NIGGAS AVOID THESE PLACES.

White people problems 2: THINKING YOU CAN KILL YOUR WIFE OR MATE AND OUT

SMART THE POLICE. Scott Petersen, Drew Petersen, Jason Young, Steve Acuna,

Steven Sherer, Susan Smith, Fred Neulander,Craig Rabinowitz, Michele Williams

Pamela Moss. I know what you are going to say white people “all races kill

you ignorant bastard!” You would be right of course but this isn’t about

killers. This is about white people trying to make a murder look like an

tragic accident (a fall in a dry tub) or reporting your wife missing when you

know good and well the person is in not in Vegas living the good life. Some

whites goes as far as blaming the scary ubiquitous black man who not only car

jacks you and your pregnant wife but manages to shoot her dead while only grazing

your temple? Do yourself a favor Tad and just get a divorce.

Black people problems 2: AVOIDING CHILD SUPPORT / LETTING GRANDMA RAISE YOUR KIDS.

Is there a legitimate reason why so many black men lie down with several women

have more then a few children littered over several area codes and don’t provide

for then financially, emotionally, and a physical presence in the life of their

seeds? FUCK NO. The “white devil is holding me down” speech was old when I was a

kid. There is more financial aid for the average poor person then anyone “middle

class” Getting hooked on crack and letting your old tired mother raise another

generation of blacks is always going to be a hit or miss. Some of these women can

rise to the occasion and some are just overwhelmed. Watching your kids screw up to the

point where you have to look after your grand babies has got to be daunting and

frustrating. That is a job I would not want.

White people problems 3: NOT HAVING THE GOOD SENSE TO KNOW WHEN SOMETHING MAY

BE RACIST OR VERY INSULTING. Everyone on this planet knows that whites control

the majority of what occurs on this planet. You would think that kind of power

and entitlement would make them magnanimous. You would be wrong. America has

been in control of the white race since it was stolen fair and square from the

red man. Yet nearly every week I can find a new joke or slur directed toward one

race or another. You seem to have a callous disregard for the native people

you ran over and the slaves you brought here. Is this the act of a true conqueror?

A part of me knows that this is a response to the average white man feeling

marginalized in this new world. A lot of brown people seem to be gaining in strength

and numbers but that does not equate to wealth and power. Let me tell you something

to ease your unease. You will always be in power in America and most of the world.

You may lose some power to the asians but for the most part you will be in control for the

foreseeable future. You own it all so fucking relax, have a cigar and act like

the conquerors you are and stop it with all the mud people jokes. Be above it

Black people problems 3: PULLING OUT THAT RACE CARD EVERYTIME A WHITE PERSON

SAYS SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT HEAR. Not everything that a asshole white person

does is not based on the fact that your are black. Maybe that shitty white person

is having a especially shitty day. Maybe his wife left him, maybe he found out his

son was gay and he can’t handle it. Maybe this white cashier has been told to check

all bills over twenty dollars and she is not doing it because your black. Not all

white cops are super racist and pulled your over because you have a pretty white

women in the passenger seat. Maybe you were speeding. Maybe your tail light is

out. Maybe little Jamarcus got a f in class because he wasn’t paying attention

and not the obviously racist second grade math teacher. A lot of white people

are not racist. Some just have no fucking clue of how to interact with us. Give

him or her the benefit of the doubt before you jump in that ass. If you find out

that they simply don’t like black people the you have my permission to light

their asses the fuck up.