Getting married over the phone may not be such a bad Idea!


Since my wife and I have been together I’ve been dragged to at about seven weddings and receptions

which comes out to about three every two years. First of all I would like to say marriage is a worthy

endeavor especially if you’re not too much of an asshole and plan on having kids. I’ve never had

a problem with the wedding although it is really more of a woman’s forte. I don’t think the average

man would give a damn if he got married over the phone. Weddings are over with in relatively short

time an hour and a half tops and those are the Catholic one. Everything goes down here from the

moment you leave the church.

I would like to know how come no can pick a reception that is less then forty milesfrom the

wedding.Your god forbid that you are not familiar with the city this shindig is going down.

that’s another thirty minutes you’ll never get back. I’ve been to one reception that actually

took place in a reception hall. VFW’s are the norm in this area of America. You find the table

you and plus one will be sitting and of course your sitting by God’s parents who have

nothing better to do except talk to you about the most inane crap on the planet “how ’bout

them Bears? “How do you know the happy couple” “Great day for a wedding huh?” “You

wouldn’t have an extra Depends on you? I plan on drinking and I piss like a racehorse

when I do”. Great now I have to deal with Barnaby Jones and his hag until the old folk’s

bus comes for them.



“Drink drink drink” is what goes thru my mind. If there was ever a need to use alcohol as a

crutch to get past something this is definitely it. Open bar? cool! Watered down drink? Not

cool. I have never gotten drunk at a reception and believe me I’ve tried. The only people

who seem drunk are the bastards in the wedding party and I wouldn’t want to trade

places with them for all the watermelons in the South. Then they announce the happy

couple…. why? I was just at your wedding and the people who could only make the

reception already know who you are. Are they announcing the happy couple again to

be sure some dumb ass didn’t come to the wrong hall or VFW? A clear indication

you’re at the wrong one is the lack of anyone you know at the reception. 



Right on time are the speeches from the people who took part in the wedding that

absolutely love their best friend and his/her new mate. This is the time a wish I was

a mind reader because I know the maid of honor is saying in her mind “Why is she

marrying that ass after I told her I did him twice and he gave me genital warts?”

and the best man is thinking “This stupid bastard picked the craziest woman he

could possible find, I don’t care how good she is in bed his is doomed! Doomed!

DOOMED!!” Here comes the food but you go it by order of importance so if you’re

low on the totem pole you’ll be eating in an hour or so. Mostaccioli , roast beef,

mashed potatoes, and green bean casserole, is that about right? All bland and

tasteless as most food is when produced in bulk. One side note is that I’ve never

been to a wedding with black people getting married. I don’t know what it says

about the black people I know but I get the feeling that a black wedding would

be same bs different food.


Worst of all is the horrible music and the tacky line dancing. Why is there music

from the fifties and early sixties on that damn dj’s hit list? I’ve seen white people

dance funny already so even that is no longer holds any interest to me. And to

top it off there was the time one of my wife’s aunt got drunk and horny offered

her “services” in the men’s bathroom. I know what you’re thinking but I

thought I can’t drunk at a reception so no I did not. I’m getting sad and pissed

just thinking about this and the fact that I know I’ll have to go to at least

twenty more in my life time. when I’m the old fart asking “which way is the

bathroom? My piss bag is getting full”


Ps. Just kidding about the drunk and horny aunt thing even though I’m


sure it’s happened before somewhere